[reflections of a son]

i miss my mum, badly.

i go through every single day, every moment, asking God why. and my answer would always be my tears. i wonder why.

my mum's a great woman, a strong woman for one. she never complains about making sacrifices and will always place herself before her sons.

as a son, i'm proud to have her as my mum. i might not know where i can get the courage to face what the future might hold. i don't even have any idea how i can see myself through this period.

everyday i wake up and realize that this, this very thing that is happening.

i still remember that very thursday when i took half day off, just so i could come back to see her off, yet she would say that it'd be too troublesome for me and her last words to me would be, "I understand your intentions and its very much appreciated but you don't need to see me off." Never knew that I'd not see her fly back.

I need God to tell me that He's near in the midst of all these that's happening. Honestly, its very hard to see God having a bigger plan for me but i know that faith is required.

I thank my youths who have been praying, my church friends who's been so supportive, church leaders that are always making sure i'm alright. as of now, i'm not alright. but i will be. i have to be.

She - Elvis Costello

ELVIS COSTELLO - SHE
She may be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
Maybe my treasure or the prize I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
Maybe the children autumn brings
Maybe a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She may be the beauty or the beast
Maybe the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell....

She, who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She maybe the love that cannot hope to last
May come to leap from shadows in the past
That I remember 'till the day I die

She maybe the reason I survive
The why and wherefore kind of life
The one I care for through the rough and ready years

Me, I'll take the laughter and your tears
And make them all my souvenirs
And when she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She....She
Oh, she....

Latest updates @ 2903

Hi all!

terribly sorry for taking this long to update. I'm sad to say but I do not really have any latest updates on my mum's condition. This is mainly because I am already back in SG and can only get updates from my relatives back in HK.

As far as I know, the medical team did an Angiogram on my mum, basically they will just puncture the right side of her body and send a tube in and at the end of the tube is a camera that will "swim" its way up to the brain area and conduct an investigation to see what's her status now.

As of what I heard from it, the investigation went well, but I have no idea what the details are.

So these are the updates as of now. As from our family's side, still we are trying to manage ourselves. Me and my brother are still learning to manage our household. There is also a roster out for who needs to be in HK and when for our family (including my relatives as well).

So this is all I have, for now. Will update as and when I can cos I'd be in camp. Thanks for all your continual prayers!

TODAY @ 24 March 2009

Today would be the day that has to be remembered because its the first time since having been here and visiting her every single day that there is a significant improvement!

So basically, what happened is that the doctors here have put her on a smaller dosage of sedative drugs already and considering the fact that nothing has been going wrong for the past one day or so, its definitely a good sign.

Also, every single day and every single hour, the nurses would have to perform this "coma check" on my mum. It is basically a series of mini tests to check how deep in coma is the patient in and the result is on a scale from 3 to 15, with 3 being in the deepest state of coma. So, ever since I've got here, her result has always been 3. Until today. From what we heard from the nurses, her coma check result today is 5! Meaning that she's now more or less able to react if we pinch her hard enough of something like that.

The final thanksgiving is that we believe now that she is definitely able to hear us. Now, we would notice that she would sometimes move her right leg or maybe her right arm if she wants to react. One of my aunt even felt a little squeeze when she was holding my mum's left hand!

I guess I could say that we're all definitely very glad to see this improvement in her! Now I can say that all the running to and fro from the hospital has been worth it. Its definitely a huge sigh of relief for us. Hopefully, the next entry would be filled with way more better things ya!

Latest Update as at 2203

Sorry for not being able to update earlier. It's a hassle to look for computers to use around here when you personally do not have one.

In any case, here are some of the latest happenings from HK.

As of this week, the amount of sedative drug used by the doctors should be lesser so that the body is able to function by its own without the use of the drug (reminder, the use of the drug is to control the BP so that it doesn't go up too high, resulting in another possible risk of bleeding within the brain) but unfortunately, they were unable to do so.

20 March:
Doctors have already lessen the amount of sedative drug used here. Have to observe how the body can cope from here onwards. Nothing much we can do.

21 March:
In the afternoon at about 1pm, my mum's BP rose to about 110 and usually for us, it would normally be alright but for my mum's condition, the doctor have specific instructions for the nurses to not allow her BP to go beyond 100. The nurses had to put her back on drugs again and when I visited her that night, her BP was around 80+ and the nurse mentioned that it was alright for her BP to remain in the 80 - 100 range.

Her face looked a little more swelled up today and they had finally changed her head bandage. Still, I find it hard to accept that it was my mum on that very bed.

22 March:
When we visited her today, we were told that her condition wasn't getting any better. When I first arrived, the one thing I took note first was always her BP and today, it was in the low 70s, just like before, which occured to me that they had probably put her back on the same amount of sedation as of before. It was later that I was told that she had a fever this afternoon and am still having one now, at 38 degree celsisus and it wasn't a good sign at all. (Having a fever could be a possible sign of her having any sort of infection, which is not going to do her any good if she really has any sort of infection because her body would not be strong enough to fight the infection.)


On my personal thoughts of what have been happening so far:
Today marks the first week that I have been here. It feels as though I've been here for 2 or 3 weeks at least! I'm not really sure if I've come to terms with what has happened in the last one week.

Today, I got a chance to go to a local church here in Hong Kong, called the Island ECC if I'm not wrong. Anyway, it was nice to be in a church over here and being able to be in His Presence in the midst of my situation now. Sat through a very interesting sermon, which really spoke to my heart, and I believe also to the heart of my christian aunt who brought us there and also to another 2 aunts who were with me and even though I know that they are non-believers, I know they have already heard God speak. IF MY 2 AUNTS ARE READING THIS NOW, REMEMBER THAT GOD HAD SENT YOU TO THIS CHURCH, NOT OUT OF COINCEDENCE BUT SO THAT YOU CAN KNOW THAT HE IS REAL BECAUSE HE HAS SPOKEN TO YOUR HEART!

Alright. The speaker today, Pastor Daniel David, if that is his name, spoke on the topic of Unanswered Prayer. I was pretty much amazed at the way he disected the parable into 5 different parts but it was his last point on his sermon that really stuck a chord with all our hearts.

He was trying to illustrate his point that Faith is a relationship and he shared with us this story about a young couple in the States who was expecting a pair of twins. The wife went into early labour in the midst of their women's retreat and she was rushed to the hospital and it was at the hospital that the doctors told the couple that because she was only 19 months pregnant, if the babies have to be delievered, it would be nearly possible for the babies to survive. The pastor (the same pastor that was speaking to us) arrived at the hospital to pray for the husband and he was praying for the babies to be safe and everything and when the prayer ended, the husband looked up to the pastor and said, "Hey pastor, I know what's going to happen to the babies if they get delievered but I trust God." At the end of that day, one of the babies was delivered but never got to breathe a breath of air outside the womb but God also miracously closed the womb, meaning that there was still another baby in the womb.

One week later, the same lady was rushed to the hospital again. The same whole thing was happening again and the husband was there, anxiously waiting on the fate of his other baby. In the midst of all this, this young husband was still saying the same thing. I trust God. The outcome was the same. The baby died.

The point that the speaker was trying to illustrate was that sometimes, we think of Faith as something that we give to God so that God can give something back to us. But, no. Faith is a relationship. This young man chose to trust God despite his own circumstances because he had faith in God. He loved God for who He is and not what He can give. One of the test of faith is to see how we react to God, no matter what God's doing for us, be it putting us in times of success of in times of trial.

It's going to be hard for me to come to terms with this but God is in control and God has to be in control because that's all that I'm counting on.

Hopefully, there will come a day when my mum will wake up and things will be better, but I also cannot run away from the fact that maybe there won't be that moment if things gets worse but I will still tell myself, that God is in control and because He loves me, I will recognise the fact that everything will work out to the good of those who love Him because He'll never give up on me and so I shouldn't give up on what He has planned for me.

Thank you for all those who have been praying. Let's keep going! You'll never know what God might have in stored for you as well. :)

Updates as at 200309

Hi,

note to all, there have been some errors in my previous entry. Her stroke only took place a couple of days after she landed in Hong Kong so I've already edited the previous entry already.

Here's the latest updates.

Have seen the doctor this morning and what we were told is that they have already lessen the amount of sedation in her body and what we were told was that there wasn't really any improvement in her condition.

Other than that, everything else is pretty much the same. She's still in coma, still in critical danger and we're all tired from this ongoing ordeal.

Met a doctor here who is a singaporean and he's an expert in his field so talking to him this afternoon pretty much enlightens us on the culture of the hospitals here as well as their procedures. One thing that he told us is that usually after a brain surgery, the next 2 or 3 weeks is always a critical period and uncertain period. He says that the best thing that we can do during this period is to get out of the nurses and doctors way and just pray and hope for her condition to improve gradually. And I guess that I'd have to identify with that. I guess sometimes we're trying so so hard, exploring all kinds of possibilities and getting ourselves all tired but we're missing out on the fact that maybe letting time takes its own course is the best that we can do.

I'm reminded that during my poly days, I went for a crusade camp called Metamorphosis(Meta for short) and during one of the mornings, they set up this room called the Silent Room and when you go in, it's a path that tells you why sometimes God keeps silent or what is the signifiance of us being silent even before we come before God. I'm reminded of the song "Still" in this instance, in which the chorus says that:

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Anyway, thanks to all who have been supporting us, dropping us with words of encouragements along the way, those who are praying for us in both Singapore and HK. We really appreciate every bit of help that has been avail to us!

Ever since the day I arrived in HK, God has definitely shown Himself faithful by providing us with contacts for places to stay, for favour with the people back in Singapore in terms of my army camp, insurance and many others, for my mum to remain in a stable condition thus far and finally many family and friends that have been with us through this journey. (God even treated me to a cup of coffee and cheesecake this afternoon when I offered to pay for it but the cashier amazingly handed me back the money that I paid together with the receipt!)

Therefore, if it is not too much to ask of you, as you continue to support us, even through your prayers, that you'll continue to lift my mum up to the Lord (in which you can see her picture above so that it might be easier when you pray for her) that she'll be able to reach a stable condition and ultimately recover from this ordeal as soon as possible, for those who are here which include myself and my relatives here to remain strong physically so that we won't fall to any illness of any sort, for all the logistics to be worked out(insurance, my army camp, accomodation etc) so that we won't have to worry every single moment, and also lastly, for God's Spirit to move in our midst as we adapt to a new lifestyle here, that may God be glorified in whatever that happens in HK.

"I believe in a God, who is mighty to save, who will be glorified in the midst of this storm so that people will know that He is Lord of all."

Latest Update as at 190309

Hi all,

will be using this blog as a mean of trying to disperse latest updates on my mum so that I don't have to be constantly worried about who have I informed or not informed. This will also save me from constantly repeating myself and nagging and lao-daoing which will make me feel so old!

So now, allow me to explain her medical condition to the best of my ability.

My mum left Singapore and arrived in HK on the 12 of March 2009.

At 130am on the 14 of March, while in her hotel room, she suddenly started screaming in pain. The staff working in the hotel was alerted and they immediately sent her to Queen Elizabeth Hospital.

Upon arriving at the hospital, what they first found out was that she had a Hemorrhagic stroke which basically means that a blood vessel had burst in the brain and therefore, decided that it was very serious and operated on her right away. After the operation, they then found out that there is this blood clot at the brain stem area and they said that the blood clot is quite big so it was also essential to get the blood clot removed as soon as possible because the blood clot is putting a lot of pressure on the brain stem and the brain stem is critical for sending signals from the brain to the body so it was therefore important to remove it as quickly as possible.

17th March 2009:
Doctors said that a second operation was necessary to remove the blood clot in the earliest possible time and there was a need for us to decide quickly. At this moment, the doctor, who happens to be the head of the neurology department spoke to us and said that there was a couple of options for us to take. Either we leave her as it is and be hopeful for the blood clot to resolve by itself but it might be a very long process, though good for the body but also, it might not even happen. It was a game to chance. The other option was to operate on her, remove the blood clot and hope for the best. At this moment, the doctor gave us a 50-50 success rate. Thereafter, they did a CT scan on my mum and gave me a 80-20 success rate which is much better then a 50-50 chance and so based on that, we agreed to the operation.

The operation was a major one and the doctors keep emphasizing that anything can happen but we still choose to remain hopeful, especially after the increased chances. The operation in total took 7 hours and by the time she was out of the operating room, it was 1130pm. We waited for the doctor but because the senior doctor that operated on her was too exhausted from the operation that he could only meet us 2 days later.

18 March 2009:
A junior doctor that was in the operating room spoke to us briefly on what happened during the operation. He said that during the operation, she lost alot of blood and doctors were struggling to keep her alive so they kept giving her blood transfusion. Basically, what was key was that it is likely that she'll remain as how she is now, for a long period of time. We're looking at weeks, or perhaps even months here. So he said, "Be hopeful for the best, but be prepared for the worst." and that was something that we didn't really want to hear.

19 March 2009:
We met the senior doctor today, also the same doctor that operated on her. Let's just address him as Dr Leung, easy reference for me. Dr Leung explained once again, more or less what the junior doctor said the day before about what happened during the operation. So the thing now is that they have put my mum on sedation to control her blood pressure. Dr Leung said that they cannot afford to let my mum's Blood Pressure go up too high if not there will be bleeding inside her brain again and the purpose of the sedative drug is to keep her BP under control. We were also told that we are not allowed to massage her in her limbs so that we don't stimulate any of her body muscles! Basically, the next step forward is that they will gradually lower the amount of sedative drugs and see how her BP reacts. If it gets too high, they will need to put her back on the medicine and this will have to be repeated till they can get her off the drug totally without worrying that her BP will be too high.


As of now, that is all that I can remember. I believe that's much more that is not in here but all these would be the main juice of what's been happening over here in Hong Kong. All we can hope for is that she'll be in a stable condition as soon as possible so that we can evacuate her back to Singapore which will make things much more easier for us as well.